


heterosexuals?? in MY tma group chat fic??

by Yeshelloitsme



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Jonathan Sims Is Jewish, M/M, Multi, No beta we kayak like Tim, No one dies/everyone lives, The Mechanisms Were The Archivist’s College Band, Title needs work, Trans Martin Blackwood, Wait wait, caht spell sorry, group chat au, no beta we divorce like elias, no clue where this going, not another group chat fuc, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26964568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeshelloitsme/pseuds/Yeshelloitsme
Summary: sassha: office gossip isn’t worktimborine: this isn’t office gossip!!sasha: what’s it called when you talk about someone else negativily for entertainment??sassha: oh yeahsassha: gossip
Relationships: Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood
Comments: 69
Kudos: 266





	1. Chapter 1

**timborine** to  **sassha**

9:36

**timborine:** i’m crying-

**timborine:** did you see jon’s face

**timborine:** when he was chasing the dog?? ik a dog being loose on ur first day as boss isn’t ideal but like

**sassha:** shouldn’t you be doing work?? 

**sassha:** tim pls don’t get fired on the first day who else would buy me gummy worms

**timborine:** that’s all i am to you?? wooooww cold james tell me what you really think

**sassha:** timmm

**timborine:** sashaaa

**timborine:** but this actually about work

**sassha:** office gossip isn’t work 

**timborine:** this isn’t office gossip!!

**sasha:** what’s it called when you talk about someone else negativily for entertainment??

**sassha:** oh yeah

**sassha:** gossip

**timborine:** ok ok fine

**timborine:** but i really do have a purpose. you know the new guy wjo i think jon might actually murfer??

**sassha:** how did you misspell who??

**sassha:** nvm i have the one braincell

**sassha:** but yea i think his name is martin. he seems pretty nice 

**timborine:** so i’ve been thinking 

**sassha:** was it hard??

**timborine:** idk ask your mom

**timborine:** but actually i think we should make a work gc

**timborine:** besides, he has pride flags on his desk!! no cishets in our archives 

**sassha:** there’s jon

**timborine:** please that man never takes a break doubt we’ll see him again this year

**sassha:** also, work gc sounds great!! besides martin seemed really nervous i think knowing me will help

**timborine:** don’t you mean knowing us??

**sassha:** no

**timborine:** wow you really are just not holding back today 

**timborine:** ok should i make the chat or..

**sassha:** do you have his number??

**timborine:** …

**timborine:** should have thought of that

**sassha:** what would you do with out me??

**timborine:** my job probably 

10:46

**timborine:** found it!!

**timborine** has created  **no cishets in my archives**

**timborine** has added  **sassha**

**timborine** has added  **tea king**

**timborine:** hello!!

**timborine:** i’m tim local kayaking king/bicon

**sassha:** no i’m the bicon

**sassha:** you are my handy side kick

**sassha:** guess that makes jon the villain

**tea king:** hi??

**tea king:** do i know you??

**timborine:** HA HE USES DOUBLE QUESTION MARKS I KNEW HE WAS GAY

**sassha:** he??has??a pride flag ??? on his desk??

**sassha:** sorry about him :/ 

**tea king:** it’s no problem :)

**tea king:** but i still don’t know who you are

**timborine:** we’re your fellow 

**timborine:** what’s el**s call it??

**timborine:** “ _ archival assistants” _

**tea king** : ohhh

**tea king:** nice to meet you!!

**tea king:** oh no you censored el**s name is he a bad boss :/

**sassha:** yes

**timborine:** i mean one time he dress coded rosie for wearing high heels even tho i was also in heels and he didn’t say anything to me

**tea king:** oh-

**tea king:** respect to you heels are hard to walk in :/ 

**tea king:** sprained my ankle last time i tried

**sassha:** heels aren’t that bad!! they give you 5+ badass powers

**tea king:** if this is a work gc are we adding the other boss??

**tea king:** jack i think

**timborine:** jon

**timborine:** and no. look i worked with him back in research and i think he might be homophobic 

**timborine:** and i want a gc where we can vibe

**tea king:** :((

**tea king:** does that mean i have to put my flag away? i’d rather not have to deal with another homophobic boss :/

**tea king:** but i do think we should have a group chat with him

**tea king:** for you know actual work stuff

**sassha:** sure it isn’t bc you just want his number 👀

_ tea king is typing… _

_ tea king is typing… _

**timborine:** sasha you have no right to say anyone has bad taste in men you dated me

**sassha:** tim no-

**tea king:** no self deprecation :/

**tea king:** here i’ll come make you some tea

**tea king:** and i don’t like jon!! i just met him 

**sassha:** sureee

**sassha:** but an actual work group chat isn’t a bad idea 

**timborine:** if you can get boss man to agree to br in a gc wuth us i will get you more gummy worms 

**timborine:** spelling is homophobic 

**tea king:** ^^^

**sassha:** i’ll do it he likes me

**sassha:** let’s do this tomorrow after he cools down some

**tea king:** sorry :(

**timborine:** it’s fine lmao i honestly thought he hated me until he offored me to be his assistant 

**timborine:** smart move sassha

**timborine:** this is why you have the brain cell

**sassha:** obviously 

**sassha:** ahh boss just yelled at me for “dallying around”

**sassha:** gtg do actual work now

**timborine:** rip 

**timborine:** but yeah i think i’m gonna go too

**timborine:** nice meeting you marto 

**tea king:** please don’t call me that-

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha rip tim i guess

  
  


**mx d’Ville** to  **bakery**

**bakery:** soooo

**bakery:** how was your first day as big boss man™️

**mx d’Ville:** my  _ assistant  _ let a dog loose in the archives and it left a gift in the breakroom

**mx d’Ville:** send cat pictures to balance out this evil hate crime

**bakery:** how tf did a dog get loose??

**bakery:** you always have the most interesting stories

**bakery:** [ _ photo ID: a calico cat is sitting on a table it’s paw stretching towards the camera it looks like it just woke up _ ]

**mx d’Ville:** can i come over? i need my therapy Admiral time 

**bakery:** that bad was it??

  
  


**mx d’Ville:** yes

**mx d’Ville:** and my other assistant who is slightly less incompetent has just asked me if i want to join an “archive group chat”

**bakery:** say yes!!

**bakery:** jon i love you but you need to socialize with your coworkers 

**mx d’Ville:** i really don’t 

**mx d’Ville:** but i suppose it would be easier to talk to them all at once instead of making individual texts

**mx d’Ville:** wait i have to change my name

**bakery:** why 

**mx d’Ville:** as far as they know, i’m a cisgender heterosexual man who has never had fun before in his life

**mx d’Ville:** and i have no plans on telling them that none of that is true

**bakery:** …

**bakery:** how

**bakery:** does anyone think that?? have they met you??

**mx d’Ville:** no

**mx d’Ville:** longest conversation i ever had with any of them was when sasha asked to borrow my stapler back in research 

**bakery:** jon pls

**bakery:** socialize 

**bakery:** but if you don’t wanna come out to them that’s totally valid 

**mx d’Ville:** thank you 

**mx d’Ville** has changed their nickname to  **JSims**

**JSims:** this should be

**JSims:** well not fun but it should be something 

**bakery:** good luck!! and when you come over bring some food i’m in the mood for greasy take out food

**JSims** to  **sassha**

**JSims:** you said something about an archival workers group chat

**sassha:** ahhh yesss!! i’m so glad you’re joining

**no cishets in my archives**

**sassha:** TIMBERLY STONKED

**sassha:** jon said yes you owe me gummy worms >:)

**timborine:** no way

**timborine:** i didn’t even think he had a phone

**sassha:** [ _ SCREENSHOT _ ]

**tea king:** oh-

**tea king:** his nickname is so professional should we change ours??

**tea king:** also, speaking of nicknames 

**tea king:** sasha why is your nickname “sassha” we’re english??

**sassha:** what

**sassha:** ohhh

**sassha:** agjksgj not like arse like sassy

**timborine:** WHJJWJJ IM CRYING-

**timborine:** “sarsesha”

**timborine:** MARTIN I LOVE YOU <3

**tea king:** you know that makes more sense

**tea king:** haha sorry my brain said no to reading comprehension skills

**timborine:** 😡😡😡 don’t talk bad about my favorite archival assistant 

**timborine:** just had to google how to spell assistant so we can both suck at english together 

**tea king:** it really is homophobic 

**sassha:** wait wait wait

**sassha:** TIM I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR FAVORITE ARCHIVAL ASSISTANT 😭😭😭

**sassha:** you think you know someone 

**timborine:** rip sarsesha beatrice james [ **REDACTED** ] - 2016

**sassha:** not my middle name but ok

**sassha:** i’m gonna make the group chat now!! 

**tea king:** so are we changing nicknames orrr

**timborine:** nah

**timborine:** jon being upset over our nicknames isn’t the end of the world 

**sassha:** it might be the end of your career

**timborine:** sasha 

**timborine:** i have worn demonai combat boots to work

**timborine:** i think mr boss man will be fine

**sassha:** kingshit

**tea king:** i think jon might actually fire me 

**tea king:** but y’know that’s just how life is :/

**tea king:** i mean what’s the worst that could happen??

**tea king:** he makes a statement about me?

**timborine:** “statement of martin blackwood regarding his terrible taste in men”

**sassha:** you had a crush on him too timberly 

**timborine:** I SWORE YOU TO SECRECY

**tea king:** i’m gonna go make some tea anyone want

**sassha:** changing the subject like a pro 🤩🤩

**sassha:** hey can you make me some tim said your tea is legendary 

**tea king:** of course!! how do you take it :)

**sassha:** green with milk 2 sugars

**tea king:** wha-

**tea king:** what is with this archive and ppl comiting tea crimes?!?!!?

**tea king:** i saw jon put his in the microwave 

**sassha:** shhh

**sassha:** just bring me tea, tea boy

**sassha:** ah shit forgot about the group chat

**sassha** has created  **jonah magma kinnies**

**sasha** has added  **JSims**

**sassha** has added  **tea king**

**sasha** has added  **timborine**

**timborine:** JONAH MAGMA KINNIES IM SJKWHJKSHI

**timborine:** fuck love all i want is whatever jonah anf barnebus had🥰🥰

**tea king:** who’s barnebus??

**sassha:** some guy who wrote letters to jonah 

**timborine:** what if i wrote you letters about spooky happenings and you used them to create a satanic cult 😳

**JSims:** the archives are not a cult

**sassha:** is that not what a cult member would say??

**timborine:** hello jon thanks for the greetings we’re su glad you decided to join us

**JSims:** *so

**sassha:** HA SUCK IT TIMBERLY

**JSims:** how do you misspell a 2 letter word?

**timborine:** sorry we don’t all have photographic memories like you do, oh mighty king of thr archives

**tea king:** i’m just gonna

**tea king:** does anyone else want tea??

**JSims:** tim you are aware i can fire you?

**sassha:** ah shit

**sassha:** told you he would fire you

**JSima:** i wasn’t being serious 

**JSims:** but it is work you guys should be doing your jobs

**JSims:** oh and martin, do you think you could bring me some black tea?

**tea king:** oh of course!!

**no cishets in my archives**

**timborine:** haha simp

**tea king:** he’s our boss i can’t just say no

**tea king:** besides i was already making tea its not that big of a deal

**sassha:** no tim’s right 

**sasha:** for once

**timborine:** hey!!

**timborine:** but what about the cheese incident?

**tea king:** the what

**timborine:** so basically when we were in research 

**sassha:** DONT YOU DARE 

**timborine:** sasha bright in a cheese sandwich for lunch and

**jonah magma kinnies**

**JSims:** sasha why are you chasing tim? 

**tea king:** i-

**tea king:** guess tim’s dead

**tea king:** rip 

**JSims:** bde

**timborine:** i escaped!! i spoke the truth and was silenced

**timborine:** hey boss why’d you say i have bde??

**JSims:** it’s a jewish thing when someone dies to pay respect to their memory

**timborine:** you guys tell ppl they have big dick energy to honor their memories?? can i convert??

**JSims:** THAT IS NOT WHAT BDE STANDS FOR

**JSims:** IT STANDS FOR BARUCH DAYAN HA’EMET

**tea king:** 👀👀

**timborine:** i-

**timborine:** i am so sorry

**sassha:** AHEJJSUJ TIM-

**timborine:** i’m just gonna let the floor eat me

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO I HC JON AS JEWISH (it’s important) AND IM JEWISH AND IVE HAD PPL THINK IM SAYING BIG DICK ENERGY WHEN I SAY BDE AND ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY, baruch dayan ha’emet literally translates into “bless the honest judge” to say their death shouldn’t be in vain?? idk i’m currently flunking hebrew class so rip me i guwss


	3. Chapter 3

**JSims** to  **bakery**

**JSims:** georgie 

**JSims:** georgie help

**JSims:** THIS IS AN EMERGENCY GEORGINA HE LP

**bakery:** what did one of your coworkers say hi to you

**JSims:** WORSE

**JSims:** someone is playing music

**JSims:** which normally i wouldn’t mind

**JSims:** but it’s not normal music

**JSims:** SOMEONE IS PLAYING THE MECHANISMS 

**bakery:** oh shit

**bakery:** haha loser

**JSims:** GEORGIE HELP WHAT IF THEY FOUND OUT AND ARE GOING TO TELL ELIAS AND FIRE ME????

**bakery:** or

**bakery:** they just like the mechanisms🤯

**bakery:** you guys were really good it makes sense you would have fans

**JSims:** but still 

**JSims:** god i can’t focus 

**JSims:** they’re playing “once upon a time (in space)” if you’re wondering 

**bakery:** ooooh fancy

**bakery:** i need to meet your coworkers some day

**JSims:** you absolutely do not

**JSims:** i can’t focus i just keep hearing my voice screaming bloody murder

**jonah magma kinnies**

**JSims:** whoever is playing music please stop

**JSims:** it is highly distracting 

**tea king:** oh sorry i left my headphones at home!!

**tea king:** music helps me focus on my work so i thought you wouldn’t mind but that’s ok i’ll turn ur off :/

**timborine:** MARTO

**timborine:** YOU LIKR THE MECHANISMS!!!?!?!!

**tea king:** YES!! they’re amazing 

**timborine:** i should’ve known

**timborine:** you’re probably a toy soldier kinnie

**tea king:** mayhaps 

**tea king:** all it wants is lovr and mild crime!! i can relate 

**tea king:** who’s your favorite?? gunpowder tim?? 

**sassha:** oh god not another one

**timborine:** be quite beatrice

**timborine:** nah my favorite is jonny d’ville captain of the arora

**timborine:** the energy he gives off

**tea king:** i feel. i’ve actually cosplayed jonny d’ville before 

**tea king:** not saying jonny d’ville laughing in sleeping beauty was my gay awakening 

**tea king:** but jonny d’ville laughing in sleeping beauty was my gay awakening 

**timborine:** THATW SO COOL SEND PICS RN 😡😡

**timborine:** we should do a group cosplay!! marto can be jonny bc he already has the fit

**timborine:** i’ll be gunpowder tim bc tim^2

**timborine:** sasha will be nastya bc she has the braincell and i’m 90% sure she’s wanted for 7 different counts of identity theft

**timborine:** and jon can be brian!!

**JSims:** *aurora

**timborine:** waIT

**timborine:** JON YOU KNOW THE MECHANISMS?!?!

**JSims:** i’m familiar enough 

**JSims:** but enough chit chat please go back to work

**JSims:** and martin, if you really must rosie has spare headphones you can use

**tea king:** oh thank you!!

**no cishets in my archives**

**timborine:** guys

**timborine:** he knows the fucking mechanisms

**timborine:** mr groucho boss man knows the band of gay immortal space pirates

**tea king:** i know!! i’m in shock

**tea king:** can you imagine jon at one of their concerts just being like “this is a work environment and it is extremely unprofessional”

**sassha:** afjjjsh i just saw that

**sassha:** i thought he for sure only listened to likr classical music

**timborine:** nah he probably just listens to that sad violin audio on repeats wallowing in how unprofessional the world is

**timborine:** the idea of jon listening to the mechanisms is just

**timborine:** immaculate 

**tea king:** oh tim do you still want pictures?? i just found some 

**timborine:** YES YES YES 

**timborine:** we are absolutely doing group cosplay

**sassha:** idk maybe jon should be jonny

**sassha:** hey when was the last time you guys saw the live shows?? 

**tea king:** it’s been a while 

**tea king:** i went to one of their concerts once and jonny said he liked my outfit

**tea king:** which was jonny d’ville cosplay 

**timborine:** w h at!!!!!

**timborine:** that’s awesome!!!

**timborine:** idk i don’t like the live shows it’s hard to hear what they’re saying

**sassha:** valid

**sassha:** MARTI SEND COSPLAY PICS

**tea king:** ahhh ok!!

**tea king:** [ _ photo ID: tall man is wearing a white shirt with brown leather jacket and 7 belts. he has heavy black eyeshadow and black lines coming from his eyes, he’s holding a nerf gun _ ]

**timborine:** OH MY GOD

**timborine:** AMAZING I LOVE IT 

**sassha:** marti you’re gonna make el**s get another divorce with his wrinkly sugar daddy 

**tea king:** there’s a lot to unpack here but let’s just throw away the whole suitcase

**tea king:** sorry, another divorce??

**sassha:** so you know the lukas family? thr ond who funds the institute??

**timborine:** does this have anything to do with that sailor guy whi comes by a lot

**sassha:** that would be said sugar daddy

**sassha:** in reasearcg i was looking into institute funds for 100% legal reasons 

**sassha:** and saw someone named peter lukas was giving huge amounts of money to el**s for “personal reasons”

**sassha:** also paired with elise wearing a ring on some days and leaving it at home for others 

**sassha:** and rosie told me mr bastard has told her to give divorce papers to the same address 6 times 

**timborine:** i-

**timborine:** i am in shock

**tea king:** most homophobic gay man

**timborine:** ahjjshn y e s

**JSims** to  **bakery**

**JSims:** how do you respond when one of your coworkers says a character you played was their gay awakening??

**bakery:** gkjegjk what-

**bakery:** i mean jonny d’ville is kinda hot

**JSims:** georgie!

**bakery:** ok ok

**bakery:** well, do you like them

**JSims:** he’s not terrible 

**bakery:** i’m taking that as a “dear god please marry me already”

**bakery:** wait wait 

**bakery:** is this the one who let the dog loose??

**JSims:** perhaps

**bakery:** haha

**bakery:** either you can tell them you’re jonny d’ville..

**JSims:** absolutely not

**bakery:** or you can let them think you’re the most boring person on earth

**JSims:** let’s go with that option

**sassha** to  **timborine**

**sassha:** TIM 

**sassha:** TIM

**sassha:** TIM 

**sassha:** TIM

**timborine:** ??

**timborine:** if this is about the staplers, i didn’t think they would actully make the sink clog

**sassha:** what no

**sassha:** i was looking into the mechanisms 

**sassha:** and i find a live show 

**sassha:** tim, jon is jonny d’ville

**timborine:** wh at

**timborine:** not funny sasha 

**sassha:** no look

**sassha:** [ https://youtu.be/G-jAKm20JSg ](https://youtu.be/G-jAKm20JSg)

**timborine:** oh my god

**timborine:** wait does this mean martin gold jon that jon was his gay awakening?!?

**sassha:** AFGHBSGJ YEA

**timborine:** well

**timborine:** should we tell him??

**sassha:** no definitely not

**sassha:** let’s see how hard we can push jon until he snaps

**timborine:** sasha

**timborine:** i love you

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> idk if it shows up but i’ll be doing more chapters if i don’t delete this!!


End file.
